Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Holding On To My Dead Wife’s Clothes

The master bedroom closet still contains my wife’s clothes as she left them at her sudden death in 2012. I cannot remove them. There have been times in the six years that she’s been physically gone that I have hugged them and cried. They feel like her. Most of my friends and relatives have offered to take her clothes out of the closet. I resist. I have looked at why I still cling to her clothes.

We had and still have a close relationship and my ego can’t comprehend that she’s gone, won’t accept it or can’t accept it. I have thought of what it would feel like walking into that master closet and not seeing her clothes there anymore and it feels so empty to me, so painful. I grasp on to the last vestige of a physical memory of her. I have released many of her things in the house, saving a few things to remember her by but this closet thing is a major hurdle.

I have arrived at the point where I don’t judge myself for holding onto all of these clothes because I know that I am just not ready in my heart to let them go and it’s all right. I am giving my ego a chance to fully heal, to take what time it needs to fully come to terms with her departure, her death. I no longer beat my ego up thinking I’m disfunctional in some way because others say it’s time to let her clothes go. It probably is. I am feeling like the time is getting close to when I will feel just fine in handling those clothes and give them way. What is the point of my sharing this?

What I am getting at is that we CAN allow ourselves to have our moments, our time of pain, grief, loneliness and memories without feeling that there’s something wrong with us or we are not letting go or moving on or needing any therapy. We don’t need therapy. We need self-love, self-understanding and self-acceptance while acknowledging that we are sad or in pain. You can’t just tear that stuff out of your heart and believe everything is OK. You have to acknowledge your grief fully. I am not saying self-pity. I am saying that you cannot artificially change how you feel to please some concept of society that says you’ve had enough of feeling some grief or depressed feeling. It’s OK TO ALLOW YOUR DEPRESSION OR SADNESS TO BE WITH YOU AND ONE DAY YOU WILL WAKE UP AND LOOK THAT GRIEF IN THE FACE AND MOVE ON FROM IT.

For me, my relationship with my wife is still playing out.

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