What moves you, what annoys you in another is not about them, it’s about you. If another pushes a button of anger, hate, intolerance, jealousy, etc in you, that is what you have to work on, not them. If you have nothing to defend, you do not need to be defensive. When you are clear, no one can make you feel their despair. This state clarity I define as a state of imperturbable Zen. How does one attain this state?
Before I explain how one reaches this Zen state of imperturbability, please understand that there is no perfect state of being when one is human. A human has emotions, feelings, thoughts, sensations and these are very difficult to master and one can reach what I call “levels of mastery” where you have greater and greater dominion over your human self. Arriving at a state of Zen is not like turning on a spigot and boom, the water flows. It takes practice and effort to master human emotions, feelings, thoughts and sensations.
The first step to mastering your persona/psyche/ego where you have inner clarity is to believe you can be lovingly detached and then be it. What does it mean to be “lovingly detached”? It means that you don’t take in another’s feelings, don't confuse their feelings with yours and you step back to allow them to be in those feelings without harming yourself while maintaining Love for yourself and them. You stay in your sense of unconditional Love and you look upon their travail with both compassion and dispassion. You feel FOR them but you don’t allow their pain to be your pain. You can sense their pain but you don’t own their pain.
This is, by no means, an easy practice but it will tell you a lot about where your maturity level is at in
seeing how much you react to in others because everything you react to is about you, not them. Again, I’m not talking about being emotionally callus or emotionally cold or distant. I am talking about loving detachment where you step outside of, away from the harm of other’s toxic emotions so that you maintain peace of mind. If you get torn apart by another’s behavior, that is inside of you and tells you about you. The other may not care how you feel.