Tuesday, May 16, 2017

The Temporary Insanity Of Grief And Mourning

Since my wife's sudden, shocking and traumatic death in 2012, I have been temporarily insane. I wasn't aware that I was insane but I know this now both upon reflection of my choices in hindsight and the awareness of the lifting of the veil of insanity that prevailed upon me as I feel the release of emotional states that I was in that I would never have chosen if I was still in balance.

I am no longer focusing on my needs and relinquishing my integrity to others because I feel that I have to have certain emotional needs fulfilled. For example, I am no longer putting up with shallow people (women) because I have the need to be loved, touched and in a relationship. I have everything I need right here within myself. I have discovered that loving myself is enough and I don't have to compromise because I don't want to be alone. I am not alone. I don't need another person to make me happy. I am already happy.

I don't need to fool anyone into believing that there is not a third person (and many, many more beings) present in our relationship. My relationship with my wife will always be a part of who I am. My feelings for her remain but that does not mean that I can't love another. It just means that I am surrounded by many and it takes others getting used to feeling and accepting those presences.

The veil of insanity has lifted for me and I feel free and can smell and hear and taste again. The long goodbye of mourning has come to an end. I am no longer mythologicalizing my wife. I see her as she really was: a human being filled with both light and shadow who dared to love.

I have been loved and have loved and that in itself is worth entering the realm of temporary insanity but I am happy to be renewed with a sense of greater balance and harmony within myself which is the real success of grief and mourning.

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