Anything that is wrong with you, you have agreed to and allowed. A bitter and hard pill to swallow, I know but true and valid nonetheless as it is you and you alone that agrees to and chooses the reality you live.
Much of what you live is agreed to by your soul before you come into physical incarnation. These are contracts that you agree to and are chosen in order to experience continued soul awareness growth/expansion. These experiences, both good and bad are a part of your soul continuum that go with you life after physical life.
In order to release those karmic burdens that you continue to struggle with, life after life, you must be willing to forgive yourself and the action you took to create your karma. These karmic burdens realize themselves in many different forms in our lives including spiritual awakening, spiritual travail, obsessions, phobias, depressions, anger, physical challenges, emotional blockages and other behaviors.
Forgive yourself and your action and release your karmic debt once you have learned from it. It is no use to keep going on, life after life, with the same karmic debt influencing your life and causing you to suffer because you refuse to learn your lesson.
I cannot say that this is easy. It takes courage to look at yourself and face your karma. May I encourage you to delve into yourself and forgive yourself for that which you chose to learn. Simply learn it and move on.
Whatever heinous or loving acts you have done, bless them and acknowledge your choice and your responsibility for your actions. Learn to live with the consequences of your actions as a means of teaching you how you want to live in grace, not struggle. When you realize it is you teaching you, you can enjoy a perspective that says it's OK to let go and enjoy life.